Lady Windermere's Fan
Oscar Wilde
SECOND ACT Page 1
SCENE
Drawing-room in Lord Windermere's house. Door R.U. opening into ball-room, where band is playing. Door L. through which guests are entering. Door L.U. opens on to illuminated terrace. Palms, flowers, and brilliant lights. Room crowded with guests. Lady Windermere is receiving them.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. (Up C.) So strange Lord Windermere isn't here. Mr. Hopper is very late, too. You have kept those five dances for him, Agatha? (Comes down.)
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. (Sitting on sofa.) Just let me see your card. I'm so glad Lady Windermere has revived cards.--They're a mother's only safeguard. You dear simple little thing! (Scratches out two names.) No nice girl should ever waltz with such particularly younger sons! It looks so fast! The last two dances you might pass on the terrace with Mr. Hopper.
(Enter MR. DUMBY and LADY PLYMDALE from the ball-room.)
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. (Fanning herself.) The air is so pleasant there.
PARKER. Mrs. Cowper-Cowper. Lady Stutfield. Sir James Royston. Mr. Guy Berkeley.
(These people enter as announced.)
DUMBY. Good evening, Lady Stutfield. I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?
LADY STUTFIELD. I suppose so, Mr. Dumby. It's been a delightful season, hasn't it?
DUMBY. Quite delightful! Good evening, Duchess. I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. I suppose so, Mr. Dumby. It has been a very dull season, hasn't it?
DUMBY. Dreadfully dull! Dreadfully dull!
MR. COWPER-COWPER. Good evening, Mr. Dumby. I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?
DUMBY. Oh, I think not. There'll probably be two more. (Wanders back to LADY PLYMDALE.)
PARKER. Mr. Rufford. Lady Jedburgh and Miss Graham. Mr. Hopper.
(These people enter as announced.)
HOPPER. How do you do, Lady Windermere? How do you do, Duchess? (Bows to LADY AGATHA.)
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Dear Mr. Hopper, how nice of you to come so early. We all know how you are run after in London.
HOPPER. Capital place, London! They are not nearly so exclusive in London as they are in Sydney.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Ah! we know your value, Mr. Hopper. We wish there were more like you. It would make life so much easier. Do you know, Mr. Hopper, dear Agatha and I are so much interested in Australia. It must be so pretty with all the dear little kangaroos flying about. Agatha has found it on the map. What a curious shape it is! Just like a large packing case. However, it is a very young country, isn't it?
HOPPER. Wasn't it made at the same time as the others, Duchess?
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. How clever you are, Mr. Hopper. You have a cleverness quite of your own. Now I mustn't keep you.
HOPPER. But I should like to dance with Lady Agatha, Duchess.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Well, I hope she has a dance left. Have you a dance left, Agatha?
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. The next one?
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
HOPPER. May I have the pleasure? (LADY AGATHA bows.)
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Mind you take great care of my little chatterbox, Mr. Hopper.
(LADY AGATHA and MR. HOPPER pass into ball-room.)
(Enter LORD WINDERMERE.)
LORD WINDERMERE. Margaret, I want to speak to you.
LADY WINDERMERE. In a moment. (The music drops.)
PARKER. Lord Augustus Lorton.
(Enter LORD AUGUSTUS.)
LORD AUGUSTUS. Good evening, Lady Windermere.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Sir James, will you take me into the ball- room? Augustus has been dining with us to-night. I really have had quite enough of dear Augustus for the moment.
(SIR JAMES ROYSTON gives the DUCHESS his aim and escorts her into the ball-room.)
PARKER. Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Bowden. Lord and Lady Paisley. Lord Darlington.
(These people enter as announced.)
LORD AUGUSTUS. (Coming up to LORD WINDERMERE.) Want to speak to you particularly, dear boy. I'm worn to a shadow. Know I don't look it. None of us men do look what we really are. Demmed good thing, too. What I want to know is this. Who is she? Where does she come from? Why hasn't she got any demmed relations? Demmed nuisance, relations! But they make one so demmed respectable.
LORD WINDERMERE. You are talking of Mrs. Erlynne, I suppose? I only met her six months ago. Till then, I never knew of her existence.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You have seen a good deal of her since then.
LORD WINDERMERE. (Coldly.) Yes, I have seen a good deal of her since then. I have just seen her.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Egad! the women are very down on her. I have been dining with Arabella this evening! By Jove! you should have heard what she said about Mrs. Erlynne. She didn't leave a rag on her. . . (Aside.) Berwick and I told her that didn't matter much, as the lady in question must have an extremely fine figure. You should have seen Arabella's expression! . . . But, look here, dear boy. I don't know what to do about Mrs. Erlynne. Egad! I might be married to her; she treats me such demmed indifference. She's deuced clever, too! She explains everything. Egad! she explains you. She has got any amount of explanations for you--and all of them different.
LORD WINDERMERE. No explanations are necessary about my friendship with Mrs. Erlynne.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Hem! Well, look here, dear old fellow. Do you think she will ever get into this demmed thing called Society? Would you introduce her to your wife? No use beating about the confounded bush. Would you do that?
LORD AUGUSTUS. Your wife has sent her a card?
LORD WINDERMERE. Mrs. Erlynne has received a card.
PARKER. Mr. Cecil Graham!
(Enter MR. CECIL GRAHAM.)
CECIL GRAHAM. (Bows to LADY WINDERMERE, passes over and shakes hands with LORD WINDERMERE.) Good evening, Arthur. Why don't you ask me how I am? I like people to ask me how I am. It shows a wide-spread interest in my health. Now, to-night I am not at all well. Been dining with my people. Wonder why it is one's people are always so tedious? My father would talk morality after dinner. I told him he was old enough to know better. But my experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't know anything at all. Hallo, Tuppy! Hear you're going to be married again; thought you were tired of that game.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You're excessively trivial, my dear boy, excessively trivial!
CECIL GRAHAM. By the way, Tuppy, which is it? Have you been twice married and once divorced, or twice divorced and once married? I say you've been twice divorced and once married. It seems so much more probable.
LORD AUGUSTUS. I have a very bad memory. I really don't remember which. (Moves away R.)
LADY PLYMDALE. Lord Windermere, I've something most particular to ask you.
LORD WINDERMERE. I am afraid--if you will excuse me--I must join my wife.
LADY PLYMDALE. Oh, you mustn't dream of such a thing. It's most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public. It always makes people think he beats her when they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks like a happy married life. But I'll tell you what it is at supper. (Moves towards door of ball-room.)
LORD WINDERMERE. (C.) Margaret! I MUST speak to you.
LADY WINDERMERE. Will you hold my fan for me, Lord Darlington? Thanks. (Comes down to him.)
LORD WINDERMERE. (Crossing to her.) Margaret, what you said before dinner was, of course, impossible?
LADY WINDERMERE. (C.) London is full of women who trust their husbands. One can always recognise them. They look so thoroughly unhappy. I am not going to be one of them. (Moves up.) Lord Darlington, will you give me back my fan, please? Thanks. . . . A useful thing a fan, isn't it? . . . I want a friend to-night, Lord Darlington: I didn't know I would want one so soon.
LORD DARLINGTON. Lady Windermere! I knew the time would come some day; but why to-night?
LORD WINDERMERE. I WILL tell her. I must. It would be terrible if there were any scene. Margaret . . .
PARKER. Mrs. Erlynne!
(LORD WINDERMERE starts. MRS. ERLYNNE enters, very beautifully dressed and very dignified. LADY WINDERMERE clutches at her fan, then lets it drop on the door. She bows coldly to MRS. ERLYNNE, bows to sweetly in turn, and sails into the room.)
LORD DARLINGTON. You have dropped your fan, Lady Windermere. (Picks it up and hands it to her.)
MRS. ERLYNNE. (C.) How do you do, again, Lord Windermere? charming your sweet wife looks! Quite a picture!
LORD WINDERMERE. (In a low voice.) It was terribly rash of you to come!
MRS. ERLYNNE. (Smiling.) The wisest thing I ever did in my life. And, by the way, you must pay me a good deal of attention this evening. I am afraid of the women. You must introduce me to some of them. The men I can always manage. How do you do, Lord Augustus? You have quite neglected me lately. I have not seen you since yesterday. I am afraid you're faithless. Every one told me so.
LORD AUGUSTUS. (R.) Now really, Mrs. Erlynne, allow me to explain.
MRS. ERLYNNE. (R.C.) No, dear Lord Augustus, you can't explain anything. It is your chief charm.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Ah! if you find charms in me, Mrs. Erlynne -
(They converse together. LORD WINDERMERE moves uneasily about the room watching MRS. ERLYNNE.)
LORD DARLINGTON. (To LADY WINDERMERE.) How pale you are!
LADY WINDERMERE. Cowards are always pale!
LADY WINDERMERE. Yes. (To PARKER.) Parker, send my cloak out.
MRS. ERLYNNE. (Crossing to her.) Lady Windermere, how beautifully your terrace is illuminated. Reminds me of Prince Doria's at Rome.
(LADY WINDERMERE bows coldly, and goes off with LORD DARLINGTON.)
Oh, how do you do, Mr. Graham? Isn't that your aunt, Lady Jedburgh? I should so much like to know her.
MRS. ERLYNNE. So pleased to meet you, Lady Jedburgh. (Sits beside her on the sofa.) Your nephew and I are great friends. I am so much interested in his political career. I think he's sure to be a wonderful success. He thinks like a Tory, and talks like a Radical, and that's so important nowadays. He's such a brilliant talker, too. But we all know from whom he inherits that. Lord Allandale was saying to me only yesterday, in the Park, that Mr. Graham talks almost as well as his aunt.
LADY JEDBURGH. (R.) Most kind of you to say these charming things to me! (MRS. ERLYNNE smiles, and continues conversation.)
DUMBY. (To CECIL GRAHAM.) Did you introduce Mrs. Erlynne to Lady Jedburgh?
CECIL GRAHAM. Had to, my dear fellow. Couldn't help it! That woman can make one do anything she wants. How, I don't know.
DUMBY. Hope to goodness she won't speak to me! (Saunters towards LADY PLYMDALE.)
MRS. ERLYNNE. (C. To LADY JEDBURGH.) On Thursday? With great pleasure. (Rises, and speaks to LORD WINDERMERE, laughing.) What a bore it is to have to be civil to these old dowagers! But they always insist on it!
DUMBY. Haven't got the slightest idea! Looks like an edition de luxe of a wicked French novel, meant specially for the English market.
LORD AUGUSTUS. (With a low bow.) I wish I could think so, Mrs. Erlynne.
MRS ERLYNNE. You know it far too well. I can fancy a person dancing through life you and finding it charming.
LORD AUGUSTUS. (Placing his hand on his white waistcoat.) Oh, thank you, thank you. You are the most adorable of all ladies!
MRS. ERLYNNE. What a nice speech! So simple and so sincere! Just the sort of speech I like. Well, you shall hold my bouquet. (Goes towards ball-room on LORD WINDERMERE'S arm.) Ah, Mr. Dumby, how are you? I am so sorry I have been out the last three times you have called. Come and lunch on Friday.
DUMBY. (With perfect nonchalance.) Delighted!
(LADY PLYMDALE glares with indignation at MR. DUMBY. LORD AUGUSTUS follows MRS. ERLYNNE and LORD WINDERMERE into the ball-room holding bouquet)
LADY PLYMDALE. (To MR. DUMBY.) What an absolute brute you are! I never can believe a word you say! Why did you tell me you didn't know her? What do you mean by calling on her three times running? You are not to go to lunch there; of course you understand that?
DUMBY. My dear Laura, I wouldn't dream of going!
DUMBY. (Coughs slightly and smooths his hair.) She's a Mrs. Erlynne.
LADY PLYMDALE. That woman!
DUMBY. Yes; that is what every one calls her.
LADY PLYMDALE. How very interesting! How intensely interesting! I really must have a good stare at her. (Goes to door of ball-room and looks in.) I have heard the most shocking things about her. They say she is ruining poor Windermere. And Lady Windermere, who goes in for being so proper, invites her! How extremely amusing! It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing. You are to lunch there on Friday!
DUMBY. Why?
LADY PLYMDALE. Because I want you to take my husband with you. He has been so attentive lately, that he has become a perfect nuisance. Now, this woman is just the thing for him. He'll dance attendance upon her as long as she lets him, and won't bother me. I assure you, women of that kind are most useful. They form the basis of other people's marriages.