Lady Windermere's Fan
Oscar Wilde
THIRD ACT Page 2
DUMBY. And her income, Tuppy? Has she explained that?
LORD AUGUSTUS. (In a very serious voice.) She's going to explain that to-morrow.
(CECIL GRAHAM goes back to C. table.)
DUMBY. Awfully commercial, women nowadays. Our grandmothers threw their caps over the mills, of course, but, by Jove, their granddaughters only throw their caps over mills that can raise the wind for them.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You want to make her out a wicked woman. She is not!
CECIL GRAHAM. Oh! Wicked women bother one. Good women bore one. That is the only difference between them.
LORD AUGUSTUS. (Puffing a cigar.) Mrs. Erlynne has a future before her.
DUMBY. Mrs. Erlynne has a past before her.
LORD AUGUSTUS. I prefer women a past. They're always so demmed amusing to talk to.
CECIL GRAHAM. Well, you'll have lots of topics of conversation with HER, Tuppy. (Rising and going to him.)
LORD AUGUSTUS. You're getting annoying, dear-boy; you're getting demmed annoying.
CECIL GRAHAM. (Puts his hands on his shoulders.) Now, Tuppy, you've lost your figure and you've lost your character. Don't lose your temper; you have only got one.
LORD AUGUSTUS. My dear boy, if I wasn't the most good-natured man in London -
DUMBY. The youth of the present day are quite monstrous. They have absolutely no respect for dyed hair. (LORD AUGUSTUS looks round angrily.)
CECIL GRAHAM. Mrs. Erlynne has a very great respect for dear Tuppy.
DUMBY. Then Mrs. Erlynne sets an admirable example to the rest of her sex. It is perfectly brutal the way most women nowadays behave to men who are not their husbands.
LORD WINDERMERE. Dumby, you are ridiculous, and Cecil, you let your tongue run away with you. You must leave Mrs. Erlynne alone. You don't really know anything about her, and you're always talking scandal against her.
CECIL GRAHAM. (Coming towards him L.C.) My dear Arthur, I never talk scandal. _I_ only talk gossip.
LORD WINDERMERE. What is the difference between scandal and gossip?
CECIL GRAHAM. Oh! gossip is charming! History is merely gossip. But scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. Now, I never moralise. A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralises is invariably plain. There is nothing in the whole world so unbecoming to a woman as a Nonconformist conscience. And most women know it, I'm glad to say.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Just my sentiments, dear boy, just my sentiments.
CECIL GRAHAM. Sorry to hear it, Tuppy; whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
LORD AUGUSTUS. My dear boy, when I was your age -
LORD WINDERMERE. No, thanks, Cecil.
CECIL GRAHAM. You'll play, of course, Tuppy?
LORD AUGUSTUS. (Pouring himself out a brandy and soda at table.) Can't, dear boy. Promised Mrs. Erlynne never to play or drink again.
LORD DARLINGTON. (Rising from R. table, where he has been writing letters.) They always do find us bad!
DUMBY. I don't think we are bad. I think we are all good, except Tuppy.
LORD DARLINGTON. No, we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. (Sits down at C. table.)
DUMBY. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars? Upon my word, you are very romantic to-night, Darlington.
CECIL GRAHAM. Too romantic! You must be in love. Who is the girl?
CECIL GRAHAM. A married woman, then! Well, there's nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It's a thing no married man knows anything about.
LORD DARLINGTON. Oh! she doesn't love me. She is a good woman. She is the only good woman I have ever met in my life.
CECIL GRAHAM. The only good woman you have ever met in your life?
LORD DARLINGTON. Yes!
CECIL GRAHAM. (Lighting a cigarette.) Well, you are a lucky fellow! Why, I have met hundreds of good women. I never seem to meet any but good women. The world is perfectly packed with good women. To know them is a middle-class education.
LORD DARLINGTON. This woman has purity and innocence. She has everything we men have lost.
CECIL GRAHAM. My dear fellow, what on earth should we men do going about with purity and innocence? A carefully thought-out buttonhole is much more effective.
DUMBY. She doesn't really love you then?
LORD DARLINGTON. No, she does not!
DUMBY. I congratulate you, my dear fellow. In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst; the last is a real tragedy! But I am interested to hear she does not love you. How long could you love a woman who didn't love you, Cecil?
CECIL GRAHAM. A woman who didn't love me? Oh, all my life!
DUMBY. So could I. But it's so difficult to meet one.
LORD DARLINGTON. can you be so conceited, DUMBY?
DUMBY. I didn't say it as a matter of conceit. I said it as a matter of regret. I have been wildly, madly adored. I am sorry I have. It has been an immense nuisance. I should like to be allowed a little time to myself now and then.
LORD AUGUSTUS. (Looking round.) Time to educate yourself, I suppose.
DUMBY. No, time to forget all I have learned. That is much more important, dear Tuppy. (LORD AUGUSTUS moves uneasily in his chair.)
LORD DARLINGTON. What cynics you fellows are!
CECIL GRAHAM. What is a cynic? (Sitting on the back of the sofa.)
LORD DARLINGTON. A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
CECIL GRAHAM. And a sentimentalist, my dear Darlington, is a man sees an absurd value in everything, and doesn't know the market price of any single thing.
LORD DARLINGTON. You always amuse me, Cecil. You talk as if you were a man of experience.
CECIL GRAHAM. I am. (Moves up to front off fireplace.)
LORD DARLINGTON. You are far too young!
CECIL GRAHAM. That is a great error. Experience is a question of instinct about life. I have got it. Tuppy hasn't. Experience is the name Tuppy gives to his mistakes. That is all. (LORD AUGUSTUS looks round indignantly.)
DUMBY. Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
DUMBY. Life would be very dull without them.
CECIL GRAHAM. Of course you are quite faithful to this woman you are in love with, Darlington, to this good woman?
CECIL GRAHAM. Dear me! How very interesting! Tuppy, I want to talk to you. (LORD AUGUSTUS takes no notice.)
DUMBY. It's no use talking to Tuppy. You might just as well talk to a brick wall.
CECIL GRAHAM. But I like talking to a brick wall--it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me! Tuppy!
CECIL GRAHAM. Come over here. I want you particularly. (Aside.) Darlington has been moralising and talking about the purity of love, and that sort of thing, and he has got some woman in his rooms all the time.
LORD AUGUSTUS. No, really! really!
CECIL GRAHAM. (In a low voice.) Yes, here is her fan. (Points to the fan.)
LORD AUGUSTUS. (Chuckling.) By Jove! By Jove!
LORD WINDERMERE. (Up by door.) I am really off now, Lord Darlington. I am sorry you are leaving England so soon. Pray call on us when you come back! My wife and I will be charmed to see you!
LORD DARLINGTON. (Up sage with LORD WINDERMERE.) I am afraid I shall be away for many years. Good-night!
CECIL GRAHAM. Arthur!
LORD WINDERMERE. What?
CECIL GRAHAM. I want to speak to you for a moment. No, do come!
LORD WINDERMERE. (Putting on his coat.) I can't--I'm off!
CECIL GRAHAM. It is something very particular. It will interest you enormously.
LORD WINDERMERE. (Smiling.) It is some of your nonsense, Cecil.
CECIL GRAHAM. It isn't! It isn't really.
LORD AUGUSTUS. (Going to him.) My dear fellow, you mustn't go yet. I have a lot to talk to you about. And Cecil has something to show you.
LORD WINDERMERE. (Walking over.) Well, what is it?
CECIL GRAHAM. Darlington has got a woman here in his rooms. Here is her fan. Amusing, isn't it? (A pause.)
LORD WINDERMERE. Good God! (Seizes the fan--DUMBY rises.)
CECIL GRAHAM. What is the matter?
LORD WINDERMERE. Lord Darlington!
LORD DARLINGTON. (Turning round.) Yes!
LORD DARLINGTON. Your wife's fan?
LORD WINDERMERE. Yes, here it is!
LORD DARLINGTON. (Walking towards him.) I don't know!
LORD WINDERMERE. You must know. I demand an explanation. Don't hold me, you fool. (To CECIL GRAHAM.)
LORD DARLINGTON. (Aside.) She is here after all!
LORD WINDERMERE. Speak, sir! Why is my wife's fan here? Answer me! By God! I'll search your rooms, and if my wife's here, I'll-- (Moves.)
LORD DARLINGTON. You shall not search my rooms. You have no right to do so. I forbid you!
LORD WINDERMERE. You scoundrel! I'll not leave your room till I have searched every corner of it! What moves behind that curtain? (Rushes towards the curtain C.)
MRS. ERLYNNE. (Enters behind R.) Lord Windermere!
LORD WINDERMERE. Mrs. Erlynne!
(Every one starts and turns round. LADY WINDERMERE slips out from behind the curtain and glides from the room L.)
MRS. ERLYNNE. I am afraid I took your wife's fan in mistake for my own, when I was leaving your house to-night. I am so sorry. (Takes fan from him. LORD WINDERMERE looks at her in contempt. LORD DARLINGTON in mingled astonishment and anger. LORD AUGUSTUS turns away. The other men smile at each other.)
ACT DROP.